Sentient Australia Review - Draft Three

Sentient Australia Review – Draft Three

 
Sentient Australia - Draft Three

Begin your review

Draft Three of Sentient – Australia – A 42 page Pilot script, is ready for review. Click on the latest draft of the Pilot script (left) to view.

Read the summary document here.

What are the key revisions in the new draft? 

View the older draft, Draft Two here. 

Read the easy review guidelines below. 

Submit your review by Nov 30th 2019.

Your points will be added to the Leaderboard.

Don’t forget, participating in each of the reviews/tasks for 2019 earns a bonus 25,000 points IP. 

Also, all delivered, commissioned drafts are now recorded on the record of drafts page.

Thanks so much for participating.

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The red storm

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HMAS Penguin

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Logline

When an alien lifeform unleashes a holocaust on humanity, a Navy diver leads the survivors in a fightback against an ever-evolving, ever more frightening version of us, ‘The Sentient.’

Elevator pitch 

A Navy Diver wakes in a recompression chamber to discover Sydney engulfed in a terrifying red storm and the inhabitants of the city vanished.

Inspiration

Inspired by the Sydney 2009 red dust storm.

Setting

Sydney Harbour and HMAS Penguin.

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HMAS PENGUIN

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Review task

Here is the new, simplified review process. 

1. Rate the work using the 1-5 star system at the top of the post under the title.

2. Write and submit a one to five-page review as a writer/reviewer or a specialist advisor and email it to the HOD. 

3. Here are some questions the Author seeks your advice on.

Your review will earn you five thousand points.

Just want to post a comment without the fuss and bother of a serious review. Log in and post your comment at the bottom of the page. If it is a genius piece of advice, you’ll find a bonus on your Leaderboard tally. 

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Reviews

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Sponsor Sentient

12 Responses

  1. Some common review points:
    1. Readers are not comfortable with Dowd calling out for help.
    2. Readers like the Commodore as a woman and when I proposed she be Dowd’s ex wife, liked that a lot more.
    3. The issue with the Chinese must be provoked by an act by the US President and a mine blowing up a Chinese ship which the US denies. The mining of our harbours is about tit for tat. Ditto, the Chinese deny all knowledge.

     
  2. Response to Keith Melton’s review.
    Firstly, thanks so much Keith.
    Re MORE HUMOUR – This kind of work needs gravity, a weight to them to maintain the tone. it’s a serious situation. There is humour but just not too much.
    Re MISSING dialogue, page 31 – Nice spot. Grammar error. Shall fix now.
    Re making sense of the dialogue Page 31 – ‘What the fuck was that?’ (is a response to the Q, ‘were you here for the storm?’ The second ‘What the fuck was that?’ (is an endorsement and exlamation stating, yeah what was that?).
    Page 20, why was Dowd asleep? In the prior scene an alien storm just vapourised humanity. Some of us survived. Some have been driven crazy, some are crying, some are unconcious.
    Why is Freisler so focused on Dowd? The Q is, does it seem incredulous or can you buy into it enough to take the journey?
    Scene 11 – The look of the aliens. They are taking over human bodies and rebooting them. They will be thinner as they discard our intestinal track.

     
    • Keith Melton says:

      “The Q is, does it seem incredulous or can you buy into it enough to take the journey?”…. I can buy into it (at least in theory, depends on actors selling it of course – it`s in the eyes!)

      And thank you, both for the hero points and the sympathy on the rugby result! As you know I am involved in politics here in UK and, to cheer me up as I sat sadly in front of the TV, my lovely wife said “Look for the good side… at least the Prime Minister won`t benefit from a `winning team bounce` – there will be nothing to hide the pain of a potential Brexit!” Shrewd observation – and it did cheer me up!

       
    • I found this script much more readable and engaging than the previous draft. It still has a few problems, but it’s a great improvement. The teaser works well as an opener, and the action flows much better and in a more believable way. Some of the motivations still need more work or greater clarification, and there are a couple of unsupported leaps that need to be fixed, but overall, a good step forward.

      I’ll email my notes to you shortly.

       
  3. Two comments have come to me regards the Commodore stating she is red hot to go after Dowd but readers cannot see why. I am tracking this to see if we have a problem.

     
  4. I think this script is a definite improvement. I am glad that Commodore is now a female and thought before that script was a bit too male dominated. It’s fast paced, and can be great always depending on the execution. As I was reading it, I was wondering who was playing what roles and has that been decided? The same with the crew – has that been worked out? I was wondering who the DOP was etc On a personal level I am glad that Beata does come into the episodes later and that she is tough and fit. As a female over 50 (without sounding like I am standing on my usual soap box), I like to show that mature aged women can be fit, smart tough and have a face that isn’t full of filler.

     

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