Sentient Australia Review - Draft Two

Sentient Australia Review – Draft Two

 
Sentient Australia Draft Two

Begin your review

Draft Two of Sentient – Australia – The 65 page Pilot script, is ready for review. Click on the latest draft of the Pilot script (left) to view.

Read the summary document here.

Submit your review by Sept 30th 2019.

Your points will be added to the Leaderboard.

Don’t forget, participating in each of the reviews/tasks for 2019 earns a bonus 25,000 points IP. 

Also, all delivered, commissioned drafts are now recorded on the record of drafts page.

Thanks so much for participating.

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Genre breakdown

Logline

When an alien lifeform unleashes a holocaust on humanity, a Navy diver takes command of the survivors to fight back against an ever-evolving, ever more frightening version of us, ‘The Sentient.’

Inspiration

Inspired by the Sydney 2009 red dust storm.

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Review task

Here is the new, simplified review process. 

1. Rate the work using the 1-5 star system at the top of the post.

2. Write and submit your own two to five, page review offering your own advice and email it to the HOD. 

3. Here are some questions the Author seeks your advice on.

4. Optional – Submit a one-paragraph comment summarising your most important advice in the comments section at the bottom of the post.

Five thousand points.

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Reviews

Sponsor Sentient

15 Responses

  1. The reviews by our team have helped a great deal. Thanks so much. Will have Draft Three completed based on those reviews in October 2019.

     
  2. Good work David, congratulations.

     
  3. It’s good David . I was immersed the whole time, congratulations.

     
  4. Hi David. You already have these notes from me, and many more, but I thought I should post them here anyway because I seem to be the odd one out here.

    Sorry, but I did not find this script engaging, entertaining or compelling. There is no build up, no tension, and the characters don’t appear to have any individual goals or arcs.

    The flashbacks became too numerous and too confusing. Many of them didn’t appear to have a point or add anything to our understanding of the characters.

    Even in the present-day scenes, many of the characters just appear to wander about aimlessly for no apparent reason and with no obvious intent. There are large sections with no dialogue and no discernible or motivated action, and sections where the dialogue makes little sense. Some scenes just stop. Some scenes have characters doing things that we are not given a reason for.

    I also found the writing style very distracting (see note three below) and in parts even difficult to read/follow. Many things appeared to be assumed but not explained, and at other times characters made or leapt to conclusions without any clear underlying logic (eg, how do they know that the ash is human remains?).

    I feel there is a considerable amount of work left to be done, and would actually recommend restarting with a clean slate.

     
  5. Initial thoughts. I think you’ve set youself all the right tasks here and solved all the problems of the previous draft that I saw. I only found the to and fro action in the lab with more characters emerging a little hard to follow but referring to the summary as I went might have helped there.

     
    • Hook

      Opens well with great pace and energy. However, in my opinion, showing a Sentient being up front is a risk. Half of your audience cannot wait to see your “monster.” If its visual is not up to expectations, you will lose half of them right off. Keep that card up your sleeve for a while.

      ACT I

      Watch lines like this: (there are many)

      Teicher carries the specimen like he was carrying the most dangerous biological weapon ever created, which it is.

      Only write what you can see. Example: He carries the specimen as if it were a ticking time bomb.

      I like Heidi but the soliloquies are a bit overdone. Consider giving her a companion to bounce off of earlier on.

      ACT II

      Dowd and Teicher’s interaction is wrought with tension, unspoken mistrust and animosity. Really works well.

      FLASHBACKS

      Perhaps too many?

      ACT III et al

      All dialogue is tight, strong and realistic throughout!

      ACT IV, V and IN CLOSING

      Not buying the “Acolyte.” Confusing to me. Will confuse audience. Either not yet, or not at all.

      Overall the human infighting seems to usurp the actual alien threat. There is a lack of “Who am I rooting for here?” There’s no team. Everyone appears to be an island already.

      *Character development has overrun plot development.

      Plot should come first, peppered with interesting character basics with room to grow. Don’t answer all the questions. You have all season to draw these guys out. Too much exposition up front bogs down actual Sentient story. You don’t want it to read like a soap. Should be more like a shot to the gut.

      All in all, a tremendous accomplishment in storytelling!!

       

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