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Draft Two of Sentient – Australia – The 65 page Pilot script, is ready for review. Click on the latest draft of the Pilot script (left) to view.
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Logline
When an alien lifeform unleashes a holocaust on humanity, a Navy diver takes command of the survivors to fight back against an ever-evolving, ever more frightening version of us, ‘The Sentient.’
Inspiration
Inspired by the Sydney 2009 red dust storm.
Review task
Here is the new, simplified review process.
1. Rate the work using the 1-5 star system at the top of the post.
2. Write and submit your own two to five, page review offering your own advice and email it to the HOD.
3. Here are some questions the Author seeks your advice on.
4. Optional – Submit a one-paragraph comment summarising your most important advice in the comments section at the bottom of the post.
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Reviews
This entry was posted on Tuesday, August 13th, 2019 at 9:30 pm
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Tags: David Steinhoff, Presence Global Entertainment, sci-fi, sci-fi TV series, Sentient, Sentient.tv, TV pilot
Posted in: Day one scripts, dog, Help, Pilot, Sentient, Uncategorized, Writing
[…] the older draft, Draft Two […]
The reviews by our team have helped a great deal. Thanks so much. Will have Draft Three completed based on those reviews in October 2019.
Good work David, congratulations.
Hi Mardi,
Do feel free to leave your 1-5 star rating at the top of the post.
It’s good David . I was immersed the whole time, congratulations.
Thanks so much Mardi.
I really appreciate you taking the time.
Actually, just yesterday, I was working on the first season outline and Dowd’s trip to Canberra to see SENATOR CONNIE VICKERS.
Hope you and Robert are well and thriving.
Hi David. You already have these notes from me, and many more, but I thought I should post them here anyway because I seem to be the odd one out here.
Sorry, but I did not find this script engaging, entertaining or compelling. There is no build up, no tension, and the characters don’t appear to have any individual goals or arcs.
The flashbacks became too numerous and too confusing. Many of them didn’t appear to have a point or add anything to our understanding of the characters.
Even in the present-day scenes, many of the characters just appear to wander about aimlessly for no apparent reason and with no obvious intent. There are large sections with no dialogue and no discernible or motivated action, and sections where the dialogue makes little sense. Some scenes just stop. Some scenes have characters doing things that we are not given a reason for.
I also found the writing style very distracting (see note three below) and in parts even difficult to read/follow. Many things appeared to be assumed but not explained, and at other times characters made or leapt to conclusions without any clear underlying logic (eg, how do they know that the ash is human remains?).
I feel there is a considerable amount of work left to be done, and would actually recommend restarting with a clean slate.
Thanks Craig.
I will be considering your critique.
I appreciate you investing the time to review the work.
Initial thoughts. I think you’ve set youself all the right tasks here and solved all the problems of the previous draft that I saw. I only found the to and fro action in the lab with more characters emerging a little hard to follow but referring to the summary as I went might have helped there.
Hi David,
Thanks so much for taking the time to read the work.
Yes, I took into account the critique from prior reviews.
Shall take a look at the lab again.
;o)
Love it- Naomi
Thanks so much Naomi
Hook
Opens well with great pace and energy. However, in my opinion, showing a Sentient being up front is a risk. Half of your audience cannot wait to see your “monster.” If its visual is not up to expectations, you will lose half of them right off. Keep that card up your sleeve for a while.
ACT I
Watch lines like this: (there are many)
Teicher carries the specimen like he was carrying the most dangerous biological weapon ever created, which it is.
Only write what you can see. Example: He carries the specimen as if it were a ticking time bomb.
I like Heidi but the soliloquies are a bit overdone. Consider giving her a companion to bounce off of earlier on.
ACT II
Dowd and Teicher’s interaction is wrought with tension, unspoken mistrust and animosity. Really works well.
FLASHBACKS
Perhaps too many?
ACT III et al
All dialogue is tight, strong and realistic throughout!
ACT IV, V and IN CLOSING
Not buying the “Acolyte.” Confusing to me. Will confuse audience. Either not yet, or not at all.
Overall the human infighting seems to usurp the actual alien threat. There is a lack of “Who am I rooting for here?” There’s no team. Everyone appears to be an island already.
*Character development has overrun plot development.
Plot should come first, peppered with interesting character basics with room to grow. Don’t answer all the questions. You have all season to draw these guys out. Too much exposition up front bogs down actual Sentient story. You don’t want it to read like a soap. Should be more like a shot to the gut.
All in all, a tremendous accomplishment in storytelling!!
Hey Jo, Thanks so much. Actually published this on the site on the page under reviews. All good. Looking into the review now. Thanks bloke.
You bet. Incredible work overall.
Hey Jo,
Do add your star rating to the page and once again thanks so much for investing the time to do the review.